a pretend birthday party

Melissa here.

Tonight, as Tani was eating his dinner, he started talking about how he was going to pretend that it's his birthday tomorrow and that he's having a party. He said that only light-skinned people would be coming. I don't recall having spoken with him about light-skinned and dark-skinned people--perhaps he recently learned that terminology from someone. He said that dark-skinned people weren't allowed to come. Having given a talk on the topic of young children and race at High Holidays and having read about the studies of young children's perception of race in the book NurtureShock, I knew that young children do naturally discriminate and that it's our job as parents to teach kids that we don't need to discriminate based on this category. Although the reality is that except for his good friend next door who is black, the kids with whom he socializes are mostly white. We are friendly with black people in the building here and in the neighborhood, but our social life and the parties we attend are generally among the light-skinned. I asked Tani whether he thought that light-skinned people are better than dark-skinned people and he said yes, and I asked why and he said because they're different, but didn't say anymore. He then said that the dark-skinned humans will have a party in the room across the hall at the same time. He also then named a few dark-skinned people who could come to his party. I suggested that perhaps we could have one party for everyone-- he's wasn't sure and we agreed to discuss it again tomorrow. More to unfold here as I am challenged by how to teach my child about race and challenged to examine the ways in which our worlds are indeed separate.

A dead fish

Melissa again. It's Thursday morning, May 6. Tani slept the whole night in his bed (he often comes into our room at some point and crawls into his "nest" on the floor). He announced, "Mommy, I slept the whole night in my room!" This is a very good thing-- we have made real progress since a few months ago when he would find all sorts of ways to wake me in the middle of the night, from crawling into our bed or screaming from his room.

I encouraged Tani to go say good morning to his fish. I then came in to see them and noticed that one of them was dead. He hadn't noticed. For those of you who haven't had goldfish in a while, a dead goldfish looks like a live goldfish, except for the fact that it's not moving--at least, a recently dead goldfaish. I told Tani that one of his fish was dead. He didn't seem terribly upset. He asked, "is it Fred or Tani who died?" (yes, he named one of his fish Tani-- the names evolved from "Fred and Fred" to "Fred and Suzanne" to "Fred and Tani"). He said, "I think it's Tani who died." Not in a sad way, just matter-of-fact. As I was dealing with the bowl, I heard him ask Neysa, "can we get more fish?" We don't need to yet-- we still have one.

How am I feeling? I just flushed a dead fish down the toilet (Tani was not witness to that). I'm a little sad. I also think it's really good for Tani to witness the natural course of life-- living and then dying. I also feel like I want some Hebrew verse or prayer to say when I dispose of a dead fish, but I don't know what that would be-- might send an inquiry to my rabbinic colleagues over our e-mail list. It would be interesting to see how they respond.

Tani has a blank journal with a lock and key. At lunch yesterday at Toto's pizza, which is in walking distance from our place, Tani made up a story which I wrote down. Neysa is reading that story to Tani now, then we'll get dressed and off to school/ work. (I'm headed to school-- taking a fabulous class with Dayle Friedman at RRC on aging. Today we're dealing with legacy and eternity).

Addendum: We just moved the fish (one fish now) back into Tani's room and I asked if he was sad and he said yes. I gave him a hug and he cuddled in my lap for a brief time before getting up to play with his new lego train. He also asked again, "Can we get another fish?" I said we'll wait and see how this one does.

Adventures on a May day

This is Melissa writing. The photos above are from our visit this weekend to DC. Tani and Max are playing in the Children's Garden at the National Botanical Gardens, where Grandpa Morris volunteers.

It's Monday, May 3, around 7PM. Tani fell asleep in the car on the way home from our errands. We went to REI to return some shoes and get some socks for me to go with my Vibram Five Fingers (the shoes that look like a glove-- I have been wearing them a lot this past few months and LOVE them. My feet have never felt better and I have never been so popular. So many people come up to me wanting to know about my shoes. I am hoping that it will become socially acceptable to wear these shoes in professional settings, anticipating that I will be returning to such settings in the coming year. I just signed on for a chaplaincy internship at Einstein Hospital from October through June next year--about 20 hours/week. OK, now this is becoming more about me than Tani. Maybe I'm getting ready to start my own blog-- something that Neysa urged me to do back when blogs started becoming popular. Anyways, since I'm talking about adult things, I'll mention that Neysa and I are planning to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary on June 2 by going away for the night. We'll see a play, Vaclav Havel's Leaving at the Wilma Theater in center city Philadelphia and then spend the night at a hotel, while Tani hangs out at home with Lois, one of the staff whom he loves from his preschool. In preparation for seeing this play, I just read the Cherry Orchard by Chekhov and we started King Lear, which I haven't read since high school. It has been great to be reading powerful literature. I also joined a clergywoman's book group that will meet for the first time next week, reading Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. It's 500 pages and I just started...Tani just woke up...I was so enjoying writing...more later!

...about 5 minutes later now. Tani drank some juice and fell back asleep while I was getting him more. It has been very hot this past 2 days. Neysa ran the 10 mile Broad Street Run yesterday morning in the heat.

Neysa doesn't know yet (I'm not sure she would have approved, but I figured that this wasn't any bigger decision than when she first purchased an iPod independent of me), but we now have 2 more creatures living in our home. Tani and I went to the pet store next to REI and picked out 2 goldfish, who are currently both named Fred. We were both very excited about getting some pets which he could take care of. Tani fell asleep on the way home, so I set them up in their bowl myself-- for now, just a fish bowl and 2 goldfish, needing to be fed every other day. I look forward to exploring life (and possibly death) in deeper ways with Tani as these fish become part of our lives. Our home feels different having more living creatures here. This level of pet feels like enough for now.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to a lecture at P'nai Or (2 blocks away) with Joel Hecker, who was one of my professors at RRC who is an expert in kabbalah, Jewish mysticism. He spoke about the holiness of eating, and how we connect with God, and even transform God, through our intentionality as we eat. I have been translating this for Tani as he eats. We have developed the custom of saying one thing for which we are grateful as we begin a meal, and today I spoke with him about how you connect with God through eating. God doesn't have a body like we do, so we share that experience with God. Each day, I feel blessed for the privilege of spending time with Tani and falling more in love with him and seeing new faces of God through him. Lately, he has been waking up in the morning and smiling such a huge, gorgeous smile at me.

Tani has been fully potty trained for about a month...which means...no more diapers AND now he can be dropped off at the IKEA babysitting. We both had a good time at IKEA-- Tani playing and Mommy shopping and contemplating a new kitchen (not likely to go with an IKEA kitchen, but fun to see the designs nevertheless).

Pesach Adventures and beyond

This is Melissa writing on Wednesday. Pesach is just over and it's hot here-- over 80 degrees. Tani is developing beautifully-- in just the past few weeks, he learned to use the potty. It seemed like he wasn't going to get there, and then all of a sudden, he has mastered this skill. We went to the store to pick out more underwear for him today, a process in which he delighted, particularly climbing around the women's clothing racks on his way back to the check-out. We also bought him a pair of purple goggles for his swim lessons, which he will begin next week at the Y in Roxborough (10-15 minute drive from our house).

Anyways, back to Passover. Tani loved getting ready for Passover and singing the mah nishtanah and other seder highlights. They had a big seder at his preschool on the Wednesday before Passover, and Neysa was able to stay home that morning and join him for that. Apparently, he had enough seder for the year with the one at his school, as he ended up sleeping through both seders in DC. The first seder was at my parents' place-- we were sad that Tani wasn't awake with us, and yet, it was also really nice to have a slow-paced adult seder, which included reflection on a powerful hasidic story from the Ba'al Shem Tov. While in DC, we went with Grandpa Morris (whom he's also calling Zayde) to the Botanic Garden. Neysa and Zayde took him to the Air and Space Museum. We also had a picnic at the DC Cherry Blossom Festival. Tani did quite well with the Passover diet-- primarily whole wheat matza and cream cheese, and Mommy Neysa's famous Passover cookies.

The highlight of the week for Tani was Friday, when he received his new bike. A 2-wheeler with training wheels. It's a Thomas the Train bike from his friend Caleb, who is 6. He got to ride to Harrisburg, where we spent Shabbat, with the bike next to him in the back seat, and when we arrived, he took his inaugural ride. We stayed with our friends Susan and Gerry, and they welcomed Thomas into the house for the night, where Tani fed Thomas and brushed his teeth and covered him with a blanket and even said Shema for him. Early in the morning, Tani and I ventured out on a bike ride--he's really enjoying it. Later in the afternoon, he met twins who are his age, and they rode around together in one of the alleyways near Susan and Jerry's place.

Another highlight was yesterday, when we went with Tani's classmate Toby (and his Mom and little brother Elijah) to Longwood Gardens-- so beautiful! Tani and Toby particularly liked the wooden house, which they pretended was their house, and they even took "naps" in the house. We had a picnic near the house and then went to the children's area with fountains before heading home. Tani needed to pee in the middle of our drive, so we pulled over and he happily peed in the bushes.

Tani reading Torah for the first time

A note from Melissa: Tani has taken an interest in the Torah and the drama of the Torah service...what greater joy for a rabbi? This morning, I shared with him the little Torah that I received as a kid. It's about 3 inches tall and has the entire Torah printed on it and rolled up like a real Torah. It's not exactly a toy for a rambunctious 3 year old, as the paper is thin, so I'm staying close by helping him with it. I'd like to find a Torah that opens that's more child friendly-- perhaps one that's laminated. For now, it will be for supervised play. He's very sweet with the Torah and slowly learning to care for our sacred objects. We made a little ark for the Torah and covered the coffee table with a cloth so he could read Torah. I also found a kippah he likes in a drawer-- it has an image from outer space on it. We also found a really cool yad that I acquired when I helped a cantor clean out his office at a nursing home years ago. It is hand-carved olive wood with an ivory top, and it's shape reflects the space theme. (by the way, Neysa and I watched the new Star Trek movie last night, which was a lot of fun-- she's sleeping in). We also took out a bunch of playmobil people and told the story of the beginning of Moshe's life--Tani found a bowl in his play kitchen to serve as the ark where Moshe was placed by his mother.

I have been teaching Tani the chanting from the Torah service before the ark is opened, the "Ein camocha." I realized this was important to do when he was called up to open the ark at shul and he was running around before the ark was opened. Tani's love for Torah is very moving to me-- that he's showing interest and helping to reawaken my own love of Torah. We generally go to Dorshei Derech, the Reconstructionist minyan at GJC; however, I'm thinking we'll start taking him to the main sanctuary for the Torah service. We were there for a few minutes yesterday and he loved it. It's also special for me to be in there with him, as Neysa and I got married on the bimah in there.

Another feature of the main sanctuary is that it becomes a space ship when the rabbis aren't there...a really cool place to explore after services. I love that he is taking ownership of his synagogue-- I did that as a kid and Los Alamos Jewish Center was a second home. I even slept there once on Yom Kippur during a snow storm.